have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
