you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
