Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
