Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
