apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
