How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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