tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
