how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize