i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Randomize
