I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
