we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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