if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
