The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
