I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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