i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
