I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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