It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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