I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize