um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
