ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
