I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I cockslap morals
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
