elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
