We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
