Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
