I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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