Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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