please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
