Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize