I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
