I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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