Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
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