I feel great
I just peed on a car
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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