how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
