Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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