I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
