So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
