I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
