dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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