I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
