remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
