you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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