I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Randomize
