Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
