But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
