Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
