just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
