I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
