My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
