VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
