Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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