Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
