Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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