i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
