I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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