I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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