just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
