to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
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