It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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