i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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