Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
