I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
